Lessons for
Parents about Your Child Wanting to Fit In
Not fitting in
is no fun. People liked to be liked. That
includes children. There's nothing wrong
with your child wanting to fit in with their
peers. But it does become a problem when
they're spending more than a normal amount
of time being concerned with it. What is a
normal amount of time? It's depends on each
case. As a parent you need to be the judge.
Is your child's personality changing for the
worse? Are they so concerned about fitting
in that they're putting down kids at school?
As far as the way their classmates dress,
you should teach your child that other kids
should be allowed to express their self in
their own way as long as it's in appropriate
taste.
It's normal for children to exert their own
independence as far as clothes. I wouldn't
make a fuss if your nine-year-old wants to
wear two different colored socks to school
or his T-shirt backwards or inside out. If
his school is okay with it why argue about?
It might be all the rage at his school.
Remember to pick your battles. Would you
rather a child who wore two different socks
to school but who was also well mannered? Or
a child who wore matching socks but screamed
bloody murder if you poured too much milk in
his cereal?
However, if your son wants to wear his shirt
backwards at his uncle's wedding that's
where you can draw the line. His appearance
should not negatively reflect on another.
Your child should learn to think of others.
This said, as a parent you should be
respectful of what your child dislikes. As
long as it's not everything. Or near to it.
But if they absolutely hate to wear the
color yellow, don't make them wear yellow
shirts. Even if you think they'll look cute.
You can ask them why they don't like yellow
shirts. Maybe your son will say wearing
yellow embarrasses him. If so, drop it. Even
if wearing yellow doesn't embarrass you.
Your son is an individual, not you. If your
child doesn't want to wear the cap with the
tiny hearts Grandma made him/her, don't
force them to wear it. Sure they can show it
off for Grandma when she's at your house.
But don't make them wear it out of the house
if they find it embarrassing. It's hard to
fit in if you feel embarrassed. This is how
you create belligerency in children. Also,
don't force your child to dress like you if
they don't like it. I once overheard an
eight-year-old girl say to her friends
something like, "I can't stand it when my
mom wants to do the twin thing." Meaning,
wearing the same exact dress as her mother
but in a smaller size. If they don't want to
do it, don't push it. And don't make them
feel bad. Don't force your style on your
child, even if you have great fashion sense.
A child learns her or his own identity
through exploring. This exploring includes
fashion taste. I've noticed with children
that it's the school years that are critical
about fitting in. Once they are in the real
world with more options they don't feel the
need to fit in as much.
Now if your child wants your advice on what
shirt would go with what pants, give it. But
let them keep their own style. You might
think a certain belt would go great with the
pants as well. You can tell them, but if
they nix the idea, let it go. Your child is
an individual not a mini-you. Now, growing
up I wish I had a mother with more fashion
sense. Because I didn't have much, if any. I
had a friend in the same boat. Thankfully, I
went to a school where I had to wear a
uniform. My friend wasn't as lucky. She
wished she had an aunt or an older sister
who could have guided her through the
fashion world in middle school. It's hard
getting knocked down verbally due to what
you wear, or can't afford. If your child
asks for fashion help, and you can't
properly give it, ask a friend or a relative
to step in.
The boy who wanted to fit in. There was a
little boy who wanted the other boys at
school to accept him more. But he dressed,
"differently." He didn't fit in. He liked to
button up his shirts to the collar. And he
liked wearing his pants over the waist line
because it felt right. But it made his pants
look like there was a flood due any moment.
His mother kindly pointed out to him maybe
he could try undoing his top button and
wearing his pants a little lower so his
socks wouldn't show. He was truly mystified
that this could be the reason why the other
boys thought he was a little different. He
said something to the effect of, "But why is
there a button on the top of my shirt if I'm
not supposed to button it to the top?" He
ignored his mother's advice on how to dress
to fit in better. It took a kindly "cool"
older relative, who this boy admired, to
show him the ropes on dressing to fit in.
Mind you this boy wanted help. And the help
was given in way he didn't feel he was doing
something stupid by the way he had been
dressing. He was happy with the advice and
felt more confident socially once he started
being accepted by the other boys.
Last remarks: Typically
a child who thinks they fit in socially has
more confidence than a child who doesn't
believe this. It is my belief children who
feel they aren't liked or don't fit in can
get depressed. They can get angry and vent
their feeling by picking on other kids or
causing trouble in their family. Some kids
like to cause trouble because at least then
they'll get noticed. If you have a child who
is out of control, rude, difficult, or defiant try the
parenting program
Total
Transformation.
Free Offer of
it! You can keep the program and
get your money back if you complete and mail
in a survey of it within 90 days of
purchase. You only pay for S&H. You can read reviews on my site at
Harmony-in-the-Home.
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